You Win or You Die
by Jet Wolf
Summary: It's Rei's birthday, and Minako will absolutely give her the best gift ever! It's a pity Minako didn't check with Michiru first.


**Notes:** Welcome to a much-overdue series of updates. This was written on my Tumblr for Promptvember 2014 (which was unfortunately life-intruded and so currently uncompleted.)

This prompt was: _Minako and Michiru, troll-off_. On this, I think I succeeded.

 _(6 November 2014)_

* * *

 **You Win or You Die**

"Happy birthday to the birthday girl!" Minako cheered as she bounded — quite literally bounded, she was clearing inches with every step — into Rei's room. She placed a grotesquely wet smacking kiss on Rei's cheek, ignoring her girlfriend's look of pure disgust. Usagi placed a glittery tasseled conical hat on Rei's head and stretched the plastic under her chin to hold it firmly in place. She, too, ignored Rei's valiant attempts to destroy her through sheer force of will. Rei was a festive pillar of hate.

Before Minako could make it worse (something Minako was absolutely planning to do), Ami grabbed her elbow and steered her toward the table against the wall. "We're putting presents over here," she said, trying not altogether successfully to smother a laugh when Mako coaxed a party favour into Rei's mouth.

Minako stole a handful of Mako's cookies from the spread and added her gift to the pile. It was a small box, and she was feeling a little self-conscious about it, despite all the bragging she'd done to her friends in the weeks leading up to today. She'd gone for something kind of modest this year (Modest? HER? Strange but true tales, kids!), but it was important. Super important. Like, so important entire nations could rise or fall on this. Maybe literally! Minako's every single action could be altering the future, something she really quite enjoyed thinking about when scrolling up porn on her phone instead of paying attention in math class.

This thing between her and Rei though. It was so new, but already felt like something Minako couldn't face the next thousand years without. She'd built up this birthday in her mind as The Moment that would define their futures together. The Moment had to show Rei that Minako was sincere (or at least suggest it while being maddeningly inconclusive). The Moment had to be special and memorable, so that Rei was still using it as a standard of comparison a hundred birthdays from now. The Moment had to be perfect.

And, of course, it would be. Was she not Minako Aino?

A soft voice broke through the triumphant and escalating peals of laughter echoing in Minako's head. "Good afternoon, Minako-chan."

"Michiru-san! Decided to—"

Minako was going to make an off-hand comment about the Outers emerging from their gilded ivory mansion to mingle with the common folk, but the words got lost. Perhaps they were sucked into the gravitational field around the supermassive present in Michiru's arms.

Her mouth opened and a soundless shriek spilled out. Her arm shot up and an accusing finger was thrust in Michiru's direction. This was a crime! A crime had been committed by Michiru upon Minako's person and justice needed to be swift and terrible!

As though she hadn't just betrayed the very moral fiber of the universe, Michiru smiled sweetly at Minako and placed her galaxy-sized present on the table. Somehow, it did not collapse under the strain. Minako glared at the table's lack of appropriate theatrical dedication to her narrative. Michiru had probably come here ahead of time and charmed it with one of her "Ara!"s. Minako's eyes narrowed yet further at the table, like it was one of her deadliest foes.

BECAUSE NOW IT WAS.

Seemingly oblivious to Minako's burning need to see her pay and pay and pay some more, Michiru leaned in close like they were friends and not mortal blood enemies. "Rei-chan certainly seems to be having an eventful party."

Which was probably true. Mako had Rei trapped in a big bear hug while Usagi had caught Ami's hands to form a circle around the pair and was happily swinging their arms back and forth and singing a little happiness song. Whatever. Not the point.

"Looks like you got Rei a hell of a present!" Minako's voice was calm and placid, in the way that beef going through a meat grinder has a pleasant and not at all transformative experience.

"It's the least she deserves, don't you think?"

Minako was going to scream.

No, wait, Minako WAS screaming.

"You dare waltz in here with your rose petals and your flawlessness! On this day of all days! You will not have The Moment! Nobody loves Rei more than I love Rei!"

"Hey!" protested Usagi, deeply offended by this blatant lie.

Minako swiveled her entire torso, keeping her outstretched hand and finger locked into place and leveling them at Usagi. "You don't count! Like you literally do not get to count in this, you ruin the entire average."

Usagi jutted her lip out in response.

"Well do I get to count?" Rei snapped.

"No, you ego hound."

Michiru watched all of this without comment. Her hand stayed affixed to her lips. Her lips that curved at the edges to form a smile. It was standard Michiru practice.

Minako saw it, and only became angrier. She swiveled back into her starting position and focused on her one true nemesis. "For love and birthdays and the thousand years of sexytimes you're trying to deny me, I, Minako Aino, cannot allow this travesty to stand!"

"Okay, someone needs a time out."

But even being slung over Mako's shoulder didn't stop Minako's tirade. She didn't seem to notice the slinging at all. Mako strode from the room as easily as if she weren't wearing a hundred pounds of thrashing blonde fury. Usagi, muttering about how unfair it was that she didn't get to count, followed behind. Ami darted past her, refusing to look anyone in the eye.

Rei lingered just long enough to sigh heavily and say, "I hate my birthday." It was perhaps meant to be a plea to the kami she served, some wistful hope that she would be spared this annual indignity. The tassels on her glittery party hat waved and danced behind her as she followed the others.

The shouting slowly drifted away, but was impressively continuous.

"I was only gone two minutes parking the car," a bewildered Haruka said at Michiru's shoulder. "What happened?"

There was the sound of a scuffle, and for a few moments the yelling became louder again, before being cut off with a "Whoomf!" followed by the sounds of four bodies tackling one.

Michiru selected a cookie, put it back, and chose another instead. "That's the mystery, isn't it?" she answered, taking a delicate nibble.

... ... ...

It was clear what needed to happen. Michiru's challenge couldn't have been more direct. Minako did not love Rei enough, Michiru was saying.

And oh no. You come into my house? MY HOUSE?!

That it was in fact Rei's house did cross Minako's mind.

What DID cross her mind, and dot her mind, and scribble scratch all over her mind, was that Minako had to find some way to compete. There were still four days to Rei's actual birthday, and Minako had decided (because Minako got to make the rules here; this was also a rule Minako decided) that so long as she could outdo Michiru by Rei's birthday, then Minako would conclusively win forever and ever and nobody could challenge that ever. She and Rei WOULD have The Moment, they WOULD get their thousand years of bliss, and they WOULD be making out after all this was over. Like, SO HARD.

So, Minako thought. She'd lain in her bed last night, icepack on the bump on her head where she'd been tackled to the ground the fourth or fifth time, and she thought.

It would be at least a month before she was discovered and made it big as an idol and became an international sensation and earned so much money that she could out-buy Michiru. Michiru had like thirty-seven helicopters. It pained Minako to admit it, but she had to accept her limitations. A bigger present wasn't the answer.

If the answer wasn't in presents, then what?

A critical question that had led Minako to climb the steps of the Hikawa Shrine the next day, a boxy machine in one fist, a microphone in the other.

Unchallenged as she picked her way through the small but respectable crowd, Minako strode to the center of the courtyard. The box was placed on the ground with great purpose. She turned the microphone on like she was flipping the switch on the entire world. Her finger drove into the button on the machine, and it depressed like a thunderclap.

Showtime.

"This goes out to my best girl, Rei!" Minako announced into the microphone as the music began to swell. Her voice was amplified through the karaoke machine and reverberated across the cobblestones and antique buildings.

Rei's head and shoulders suddenly thrust into view from around the corner of a nearby building. Her eyes were wide, her pupils tiny, and her expression was death.

"It's her birthday real soon," Minako crooned as the crowds began to gather around her, "so you know I had to show her how I feel."

Rei pushed her way through the thickening circle of onlookers until she finally reached the clearing. "Minako!" she hissed, as though if she would only keep her voice down, none of the dozens of eyes already staring at her would notice. "This is a place of worship!"

Minako winked at Rei and shot her an enthusiastic fingergun. "What's better than them worshipping me while I worship you?"

Rei threw her arms in the air. "I hate my birthday!" she yelled, not bothering to be polite about it this time as she shoved past everyone to make her escape.

It was too late. The song started, and Minako had her love to prove.

... ... ...

She hadn't apologized, exactly (it was difficult, since she wasn't really sorry), but Rei did at least seem to somewhat forgive her anyway. Sort of. Well she'd forgiven Minako enough to accompany her that night to the concert.

The tickets were, of course, Michiru's concession. Minako had emailed her later that afternoon, detailing her uncontested victory.

 _I'm sorry I missed something so spectacular_ , Michiru had replied. _Maybe we can share something else together._

About ten minutes later, Haruka had arrived at Minako's with two tickets to Michiru's sold-out concert that night. Michiru expected to see both Minako and Rei there, Haruka told her. Minako nodded, and immediately began to regale Haruka with tales of her incredible win that afternoon. Haruka was so impressed, all she could do was pat Minako on the head before leaving.

Well she had her own girlfriend to keep happy. Minako got that.

Rei had really wanted to go to this concert anyway, so Minako considered it all a win/win. In that she won twice. When the lights went down to signal the start of the show, Minako took Rei's hand and felt a thrill race through her when Rei squeezed back.

Total victory for V-chan!

The first few pieces were beautiful, with Michiru standing front and center before a packed theater of several hundred fans. It wasn't really Minako's thing, she had to admit, but she loved watching as Rei loved it. The way she leaned forward in her seat, she was listening so hard. The crease between her eyebrows and the way her eyes seemed to burn the notes out of the air. Minako was so focused on Rei, it took her a few seconds to realize the music had stopped and Michiru was talking.

"—coming tonight. This is a very special night, and I'd like to take a moment for a dear friend of mine."

Oh ffff—

A spotlight snapped on, focused directly on Rei, but with a wide enough beam so that everyone in the audience (and on stage) could easily see Minako too. "Her name is Rei, and I hope you'll all join me in singing Happy Birthday to her."

Michiru's violin began to play the tune, her skill turning even this simple melody into something complex and beautiful, yet completely recognizable. Several hundred voices raised as one, singing the words they all knew by heart.

Unfortunately for Minako, Rei still had her hand. Hyper aware of the attention on her, Rei made sure to keep her expression the perfect mix of surprised and touched. It was thoroughly convincing. After all, she had in her hand the outlet for everything else.

"I hate my birthday," she said with eerie calm through a frozen smile. Her hand clenched on every word.

It wasn't exactly Minako's favourite time of year right this moment either.

... ... ...

Minako needed a new approach. Michiru was clearly a different kind of challenge, and would require a different kind of response. Minako would need to step it up to win.

And win she absolutely would. Everything she could imagine was riding on this, and Minako could imagine A LOT.

But she'd need some help.

Much later, the girls were gathered at Mako's for movie night. (Rei had forbidden Minako from ever setting foot on the Shrine grounds again; Minako's plan had her back in by Thursday, latest.) Usagi was waving the latest Disney release under everyone's nose, but Minako was insisting they keep the TV on a very specific channel.

Rei was instantly suspicious. "Why?"

"I want to watch the news," Minako replied, smooth as a criminal.

Mako tilted her head to the side and frowned at the television. "The news doesn't come on this channel."

Minako threw a pillow at her. "Shhh."

"But ELSA!" Usagi pleaded, clutching the movie to her chest.

Right on the hour, the television switched to its next program and Minako held her breath. It played for one second, then two ... three ... four ...

There was a burst of static, and a face appeared on the screen. A very plastic, very fake, Sailor V face.

"HELLO EVERYONE!" Sailor V announced with Minako's voice.

The movie dropped from Usagi's fingers.

"I've interrupted this program for a very special news bulletin. It's my girlfriend's birthday soon, and I need everyone to help me wish her happy birthday!"

Three pairs of eyes bore into Minako, but she was focused on just one.

Minako grinned and waggled her eyebrows at Rei.

Rei glared at her without blinking.

Minako jerked her head at the TV, where Sailor V encouraged everyone to sing along at home, then looked back to Rei with a happy little nod.

Rei glared at her without blinking.

"I love you," Minako mouthed, her smile becoming broader still.

Rei glared at her without blinking.

"How ... How are you doing this?" Mako asked with a note of awe in her voice.

"Yeah!" Usagi demanded. "How did you know how to ..."

The same three sets of eyes turned immediately to the person in their group who'd been noticeably silent all evening. Ami's neck shrunk down like a turtle and she hid behind her open laptop.

"Please excuse me!" she managed to gasp before running from the room, taking the laptop with her.

"I. Hate. My. Birthday."

"Happy BIIIRTHDAAAAAY ..." Sailor V continued to belt out the television.

... ... ...

 _I did my research. That station gets at least five thousand viewers in that time slot._

 _Five thousand and one. I appreciated your notice to watch._

 _Five THOUSAND. Pretty impressive, huh?_

Minako was feeling good. Minako was feeling VERY good. She kicked back in her chair and crossed her arms behind her head. Michiru's concession would come any moment now. Humility was, of course, vital. It wouldn't do to allow this silly little conflict to drive a wedge between their two teams, not when old fractures were finally beginning to heal.

For the good of the team, Minako would gloat for one, two days tops.

Her new email alert sounded, and she scrambled to open it.

It was from Michiru, but it only contained a link. Weird. Maybe Michiru filmed herself giving up? IT WOULD BE IMMORTALIZED FOR ALL TIME. Minako couldn't click the link fast enough.

It took her to YouTube. The sound of beautiful violin music swam from her speakers. The audio quality wasn't great. Neither was the video. The picture was mostly dark, but was swaying all over the place. Minako was about to try fast-forwarding when the song came to an end and Minako heard applause. Then the camera righted itself, and she understood.

Damn everything, Minako understood perfectly.

The video was shot from the wings of a stage. There, front and center, stood the one person Minako did not want to see.

"I want to thank everyone for coming tonight," Michiru said on the video. "This is a very special night, and I'd like to take a moment for a dear friend of mine."

A spotlight clicked on, but the person behind the camera was expecting it and so had already zoomed in on the target. Minako saw herself and Rei, completely shocked before the entire theater.

Minako didn't want to look. The very last thing she wanted to do was look, but she couldn't help herself. As the audience began singing happy birthday to Rei, Minako checked the view count.

The video had gone live late last night, and it already had over 100,000 views.

Minako closed the tab and deleted the email unanswered. Then she undeleted it, just so she could delete it again.

... ... ...

"Come outside."

"No."

"Just come outside. Please?"

"Minako, all you've done for nearly a week is humiliate me. What makes you think I want to go ANYWHERE you want me to go right now?"

"Because this isn't going to humiliate you at all, I promise."

Silence.

"Okay, it might a little. But it's only because this is important! I have to be the one to make your birthday the best! I know how you feel about it, but that just means I have to work that much harder to make it special for you."

"You couldn't put it in a card?"

"Would you WANT someone who just put it in a card?"

Silence.

"Okay, fine, I'll go outside."

Grabbing Rei by the hand, Minako led out of her room and into the Shrine courtyard where Usagi, Mako, Ami, Haruka, and Michiru were already waiting.

When nothing immediately happened, Rei arched her eyebrow at Minako. "Well?"

"Just a sec," Minako replied, peering at her watch intently.

Still nothing happened. Rei looked at Usagi, who only shrugged. Mako tilted her head at Ami with a vaguely disapproving expression, causing Ami to flush bright red and vehemently shake her head in denial of absolutely anything about to happen. Haruka glanced to Michiru, and Michiru watched Minako.

Then the distant sound of an airplane reached them.

"Right on time!" Minako cheered. She wrapped herself around Rei's arm, hopping from one foot to the other.

Everyone peered at the sky. As the plane flew closer, it soon became apparent that it was trailing something behind it. Something long. Something with lettering.

"Oh you didn't," Rei groaned.

"Oh I DID."

"'Hello Tokyo'," Mako read aloud. "'Today is my girlfriend's birthday.'"

"I'm going to go die now."

"But there's more!" Usagi said at Rei's other side as she pointed at the sky.

"Exactly."

But Minako held Rei fast. There would be no swift, merciful escape. Possibly not ever.

"'You may know her as the super hot shrine maiden at Hikawa. Let me tell you about her.'"

Mako stopped reading there as the banner was done. She turned to Minako, confused.

Minako tugged a struggling Rei back into place. "Wait for it," she said.

And sure enough, a few moments later, a second plane flew into view, trailing another banner.

"Minako-chan, how many of those did you get?" asked Ami.

"I think I was able to get it all on five. Artemis helped with the editing."

"FIVE PLANES?!" Rei shouted.

"Happy birthday!" Minako said.

With a mighty roar, Rei wrenched herself free. She stomped back inside, but Usagi trailed after her, reading off the entire banner with pure delight dripping from every word. Ami went with them, to keep Rei from killing their princess.

"I hate my birthday!" echoed across the Shrine.

Mako took out her phone and started snapping pictures of the banner.

Minako rocked back on her heels and let satisfaction fill her to her core.

"That's quite remarkable, Minako-chan," said Michiru as she approached.

Still rocking back and forth, Minako puffed out her chest. "They'll be circling the city. Pretty much everyone in Tokyo will see it."

"I see!"

Haruka's eyes flicked from the plane to a very smug, very content Minako. "How much did all that cost?"

"I don't think that really matters right now, do you?" Minako replied, not looking at Haruka at all.

"I agree," Michiru said with a smile. "What price can you put on that kind of gesture?"

It wasn't exactly a concession, but ... Minako stopped rocking. "So, your move?"

Michiru brushed her hair over her shoulder. "Oh I don't think that will be necessary."

"I win?"

"You've proven yourself admirably," Michiru replied. "You should feel very proud."

"Hell yeah I do!" Minako ran and threw herself at Makoto, wrapping her arms around the taller girl's neck.

Mako didn't budge, remaining exactly where she was standing. But her arm was jostled, and it messed up her picture. "Dammit, now I might not get the whole thing!"

"Forget that, I won!" Minako cheered, dangling like a cape across Mako's back. "Let's go tell the others!"

Shaking her head, Mako turned back toward Rei's room, Minako still hanging there and shouting her victory to the heavens. The Amazing V-chan, Triumphant!

Haruka and Michiru watched them go.

"They're cute," Haruka said with a laugh in her voice.

"They are," Michiru agreed.

"Minako-chan certainly went to a lot of trouble, didn't she?"

Michiru cocked her head to the side and looked at Haruka from the corner of her eye. "Oh? How much trouble would you say is 'a lot' exactly?"

"Uh, well." Haruka rubbed the back of her neck and shrugged. "I don't know. 'Five planes' a lot?"

"I'd say Minako-chan doesn't know how to quit when it comes to showing her love and devotion." Michiru turned her head, sending her hair cascading behind her in a shimmering wave. "I'd say that's admirable."

Haruka watched as one plane's message ended and another began.

Michiru began to walk toward the entrance. "Wouldn't you agree, Haruka?" she asked without a glance back.

Haruka agreed. Oh yes, Haruka definitely agreed.


End file.
